Sunday, April 01, 2018

Marion County HDJ Review - Fox's Snacks and Newsstand

We have a lot of fun on this blog at the expense of those unfortunate souls from Marion County who live a slawless existence, while believing with all of their faith that a "real" West Virginia Hot Dog cannot be topped with coleslaw. They live in an alternative reality where their insistence on hot dogs with devilishly spicy chili sauce, mustard and onions is the only right way to eat a hot dog - and so in their warped, twisted minds (caused by the lack of decent hot dogs, we're sure) all West Virginians must think the way they do. It is a sad echo-chamber existence that they live, but once in a while a new HDJ will pop up in Marion County that affirms people's right to choose, and when that happens we like to celebrate it.

Fox's Snack Bar & Newsstand is bright and cheery,
but not much real news can be found inside.
So when we heard about Fox's Snacks and Newsstand and how they served hot dogs with coleslaw in downtown Fairmont, we knew we had to take a road trip and check it out for ourselves. What we found was interesting to say the least.

The little HDJ is well-hidden inside the lobby of the Altermont Building just down the street from the Marion County Courthouse. The four-story building houses several small law offices and not much else. Other than coffee, the only hot food that the newsstand serves is breakfast biscuits until 11:00 and and hot dogs from 11:15-1:00. April Fox, the owner, prides herself on having a variety of drinks, chips and candy to go along with the biscuits and hot dogs. After meeting the owner and chatting for a few moments, we ordered two hot dogs and thought we'd browse the newsstand offerings while we waited for our order, but we were surprised to find that for a place with "newsstand" in its name there was't much news; only one newspaper and one magazine on the rack. No matter, our hot dogs were ready in a flash, so we paid for them and took them to an unoccupied table to eat.

The first thing I noticed was the strange shape of the weenie. It looked less like a sausage and more like a thickly sliced piece of meat. After taking a bite, I went back over to the owner and asked her about it and she told me that it was actually a piece of bologna that had been cut into a thick spear. April said she felt bologna was a better meat product than the weenies she used to use. She then confided in us that she also used ground-up bologna for her chili/sauce as well. I was taken aback to say the least, but once I had thought about it, I said to myself, "why not?" All-beef bologna is still all-beef, and what is hot dog chili/sauce except for a beef-based product?

I was on my way back to my bench when I tasted the slaw. I stopped and went back to April and asked her about the exotic flavor it had. "Instead of mayonnaise, I make the slaw with Russian salad dressing," she explained. Again, it was non-standard, but not completely objectionable. It was very filling and strangely satisfying. I finished off the first hot dog and immediately decided that I'd had enough and decided to forfeit my second hot dog to the trash receptacle, but just before I dropped it, I felt a strange urge to have another bite. And then another. Each time I finished a bite, I felt strangely compelled to have one more. Even after the second hot dog was gone, I went back and asked April to make another. Strangely addictive. I'll give them a 3.5 Weenie rating just because they left me wanting more. It was kind of unsettling because I knew in my heart of hearts, that a WVHD couldn't be made from bologna, but while munching on this hot dog I couldn't remember what a real hot dog tasted like.

As I drove away, back down I79 toward Charleston it hit me: Just like those Marion County folks who live in an alternative reality caused by eating nothing but slawless hot dogs, I had fallen victim to Fox's Newstand hot dogs and completely lost my ability to understand that they weren't real hot dogs. They were imitations, filled with baloney and covered with Russian dressing, but while I was consuming them I not only couldn't tell the difference, I didn't want to tell the difference. But the more distance I put between myself and the Fox Newsstand, the more normal I felt. By the time I made it back to Charleston, I seemed fully recovered and realized that I was going to be OK and would probably go back to eating real WVHDs tomorrow.  But I felt sad for those Marion Countians and others who will continue to be subjected to what Fox News is serving up, completely oblivious that it's all filled with baloney.

It's hard for us to recommend the hot dogs at Fox's Newsstand, but if you don't mind being fooled we've heard that the best day to go is April 1.